Mother's Day & Childhood

I'm not going to lie. Despite being Mother's Day, today is a bad day. Of course, I want to be able to hope and believe that this can get better, but the reality of it all is that my family situation honestly will never get better. And I have to learn to accept that.

We can't even go out as a "family" for lunch. My sister gets mad. My dad pretends that he's "not feeling well" and therefore can't go. My sister doesn't want to go out. So in the end, we're staying at home and I'm here typing this blog up. And what's happening downstairs? My mum's cooking. She has to cook, even though it's Mother's Day. What kind of family is this? What kind of daughter am I? Our family is falling apart and I honestly can't do anything to help.

I know my mum wants to go out. I know she wants to have fun and be with family. But instead, because of her children, she pretends that everything is fine. She pretends that she wants to stay home. Says "it's no use going out with relatives to a club for dinner, because we're not going to be doing anything, and they're going to want to stay there for a long time" We've isolated ourselves from our relatives, from our family, and you can't turn back time.

What happened to the good times? What happened to our family/relative dinners at home every Sunday night? What happened to sticking together and relying on each other and helping each other out? It's all gone now and we can't do anything about it. No one can repeat the past, I know that. But wouldn't it be nice to maybe, just maybe even stage a good family gathering just one more time? Just so we could possiblyl feel a connection one last time, before everything truly goes haywire forever?

I just wish I was a child again. I wish I was young. I wish I was innocent. I wish I didn't know anything, so that everyone, all the adults around me would act as characters, pretending to play nice with each other so that I wouldn't have to know about the truth. I wouldn't have to face reality.

A friend of a friend responded to what I told him about my grandma with "she's a fighter", and all I could think of was "of course she's a fighter. That's the only way you can survive in such a messed up world" Which is why I'm only barely surviving. I want to be a fighter, but I'm just not quite there. I don't think I ever will be, and I can't change that.

People joke around about wishing there was a "rewind" button to life. But I really mean it when I say that. Rewind all the way back to when I was 10, or even younger. Maybe I could right the wrongs and grow up again, without anyone around me knowing that this is my second time growing up, and that I've known how this life plays out, and that's why I'm here to hope to change and alter it. Change this life so that this present won't be so horrible. So this present won't be so difficult to live through every waking minute.

Fighting, blocking out and giving situations a conclusion just so there's a sense of closure. Pretending that everything is okay simply because there's no other way to live.

What else can you do?