White riot, I wanna riot, white riot..

a riot of my own !

So I haven't been updating in the past few days, which I guess is a positive, but also a negative at the same time. Positive: I've been busy with my life, and not living too much of a monotonous life. Negative: My mind's been completely blank, thought-wise, and I haven't seem to be able to get my thoughts out in the open. Whichever one it is, it doesn't matter, because I'm updating now and I've got a positive light shining through right now. Even if it is something very minor.

It's Saturday morning right now and I'm downstairs by myself, listening to The Clash on shuffle repeat, just like I was last night. Yesterday was my school's DUX assembly, followed by morning tea, but I didn't go. Why? Because school just brings back too many bad memories, too many memories of how 'non-existent' I was throughout those six-years. I mean, why should I go to a function which wouldn't even realise if I was there or not? Or why should I go to a function where my so called 'classmates' would see me and pretend as if they're happy to see me, despite the fact that they've hardly ever spoken to me in the past six years, or for some, not even looked towards me at a glance or let out a 'Hi' during those many long walks down the corridors in the early mornings and late afternoons.

Basically, another reason why I chose not to attend is that I just know there will be a lot of:

SGHS Girl: 'Hi Gwen! How are you?

Me: 'I'm alright'

SGHS Girl: 'That's good. How did you go in the HSC? What did you get?'

Me: 'I did okay, I got 96.7, what about you?'

SGHS Girl: 'Oh, that's really good! I got 98+. What are you planning on doing at uni?'

Me: 'Um, Photography at UTS'

SGHS Girl: 'Photography? Wow, that's really creative! etc. etc. etc.'

Which pretty much means that there'll be a whole lot of 'acting to care' personalities, which I honestly can't cope with right now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone at my school is like that, because there definitely is a select few who are genuine about their conversations.

Which leads me to the main intention of my writing this blog entry. I hadn't been listening to The Clash since probably just before the HSC, and last night I just had an urge to listen to them again after so many months. You're probably wondering why The Clash relates to school, right? Well, it's because in Yr 11, we had to do an essay on a personality of our own choosing for Modern History, and how they impacted society. Well, I chose The Clash's Joe Strummer and my teacher happened to be a big fan of The Clash, so he was 'really excited to see what [I] would come up with' as he told my mum during a parent/teacher interview night. And pretty much from then on, he'd relate everything I did or what we did in class to The Clash or how 'I like the hard hitting [music]' rather than something soft and delicate. I mean sure, he was generalising my taste in music to just one genre, but hey, how often do you hear of teachers liking great music and actually expressing it in class? Hell, I even had a conversation with him about what the real meaning of punk rock is, so that was interesting, considering it was infront of the rest of the class.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, is that in my so-called 'quest' to see things positively, or at least accept why certain things happen, my six years of high-school wasn't such a big waste, even if it was for something as little as finding common ground with my history teacher through music.

I never realised how much I actually really enjoy The Clash, so I can say that last night was it. It was my breakthrough, music-wise. I mean sure, I may not have all their albums, but it's a 'I don't have all their albums yet' And relating this back to my Yr 11 history essay, 'Because of what has happened to me, I can strongly state that Joe Strummer has made a major contribution towards my  life, and has impacted me greatly.'

I have so much more thoughts to get out, but I'll leave that for another day. Right now, I'm just re-visiting the past, positively.