Life & Uni

Uni's been good. Apart from the work and the thousands of dollars we have to spend on cameras and material, it's been good. I made another friend on Thursday, Fiona. So now we've got a little asian group happening. Niice.

Life.

Well, it's been sort of mixed really. Home life is terrible. This problem just keeps building up, it's been like this for the past year already, and I highly doubt it's going to stop anytime soon. Quite honestly, I don't think I'll survive the 3 or 4 years of uni if this continues, so I don't know. I've just got this feeling of fear, paranoia and doubt 24-7. I can't say what I think, I can't do what I need to, and I don't know how to handle any of it. I'm literally hearing voices and I'm shaking, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't tell anyone the whole truth, because that hurts too much and that means added stress for everybody. Last night was just horrible. I finally spoke out a little, and what I get in return is "oh yeah, go side with him, you hate me. everyone hates me." I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just sit there and pretend everything's just perfect and wonderful? I've done that for the past year, finding others I can speak to instead of letting my family know. It's been too long, how much longer can I put up with this?

Going onto the positive side of life though, I couldn't be more happier, finding and making the friends that I have now at uni. Sure, it's been just four days together, but we've all really just clicked. It's great. almost as if spending the past six years of highschool alone, or almost alone was worth the pain. I mean, I can actually be myself now, in a large, non-threatening environment, and it's amazing.  I really don't think anyone will ever realise how appreciative I am of this. I'll never be able to explain it. But I think, in a way, that's a positive too.

Also, going back to him, Daniel. He just honestly knows what to say. Last night was absolute crap, I come online, we talked about it for a little while, and he was just there to help distract me from everything. It was great. I mean yeah, I got a lot of things out, but afterwards it wasn't anything awkward at all, the conversation just flowed on and he helped me block out everything bad that was happening, and at first I didn't think it would work, but it did, he told me it would, and he carried it out and helped me. Even though I didn't believe him completely. He did it, and that's what counts.

That's about all I can manage to get out for now. Uni really is such a de-energiser. Don't get me wrong, it's great, it's just. Tiring. And confusing.