five

1. work experience
2. clean teeth
3. lots of cheap cds
4. sales
5. music

thankyou.

1. no fights today whatsoever.
2. producing good photographs from the shoot last night.
3. receiving an email about possible work experience and getting a call back this morning.
4. playing with my two nieces.
5. talking to him. (L)

thankfuls

1. getting out of the house
2. seeing a free concert
3. a good dinner
4. ongoing joke about 'jet'
5. talking to him yet again (L)

5

1. church
2. new music
3. an entire night of good tv shows
4. being able to tell my dad the truth, sort of, even if it was just through emails
5. talking to him again. (L)

I am thankful for

1. Having one of the best dreams in a very, very long time.
2. Watching movies.
3. Improving in my piano playing.
4. The fact that an argument wasn't entirely blown out of scale to ridiculousness.
5. Being able to talk to him again on his birthday at night. (L)

And for my own sake, I don't remember all that much about my dream, except for the fact that I was having an incredibly bad day, walking out of a building, and as I got to the car park, Daniel was walking towards me, wearing his high school outfit and blazer, and I just went up to him and hugged him. Hugged him so tightly and I didn't ever want to let go. He didn't even have to say anything, just having him theree was amazing. That honestly made my night, and morning as I woke up. <3

What is the meaning of life?

The meaning of life is to sit down, shut up, suck up to everyone around you and do as you're told no matter how shit the order needed to be done is.

I hate the fact that all we ever do in this family is yell at each other, give everyone the silent treatment and forget that it never happened the next day, or even a few hours later.

We never try to fix the problem.
We can't ever fix the problem.
And we will all die holding endless grudges to our graves.

And teachers used to wonder why I'm so royally fucked up?
Why I wrote the creative writing pieces I did?
And why I act the way I do?

It's written in black and white.
I am on the road to insanity.

Am I suffering from depression?
Do I have a bipolar disorder?
I don't know.

All I can count on is the fact that my year adviser from high school told me that I am really strong. Really strong to be able to go through and succeed in the HSC despite everything that I went through last year.
And I just have to hope that that strength within me lasts until I'm cold and buried, or burned.

I am thankful for

1. Finishing reading Purpose for the Pain in 4 nights in about 12hours total.
2. No extreme arguments at all today.
3. Watching Black Adder.
4. Hearing Paramore's The Only Exception on radio.
5. Being able to wish Daniel happy birthday for his 18th at 12:01, July 24. (L)

I realise it's already a new day, but I am counting this as 23 June, since I haven't slept yet since the night before.

& so a bad day just got worse.

sometimes I really do wish I could drive into the country, get on top of a cliff & just scream.

But today I am thankful for:
1. being alive
2. having good music to listen to
3. having certain people to talk to
4. watching cougartown for an hour
5. being able to find and actually stay connected with Daniel, even after 6 years of no contact.

Just a large thought.

But I really need to get things off my chest.

- I've finally started reading Renee Yohe's "Purpose for the Pain", I'm more than half way through it and it really is an eye-opener about life in general. She's written about the pain, the hurt, and also redemption. She has also taken steps to slowly look positively upon life, which I have been trying to do in the first half of this year, although with the time gaps in my posts, clearly it's not going so well. Anyways, what she's been doing is pointing out at least 5 things that she's thankful for everyday, regardless of how insignificant or how big the 'thing' is. I'm definitely going to do that from today. I know I usually never carry through with what I say, but this really is something that I want, need and HAVE to do.

- So much shit has been happening lately, everything's just so confusing and even though I do know that I'm quite strong mentally, I'm not so strong physically, and I'm beginning to realise how weak I really am emotionally and spiritually. I'm lucky to have the ability to think through things logically though sometimes I do still let my emotions get the better of me and that's never a positive.

- Financial problems. That just always seems to be what everyone's talking about these days, isn't it? I read, hear and see stories of how people are moving houses, or even just having a house to live in. Not a townhouse, not an apartment, but an actual house to live in. Or even more simply put, a HOME to live in, if you strip away the materialistic view and strength of a house. Do I have a house to stay in? No. I live in a townhouse and have for my entire life. I don't have my own room, nor do I really have anything of my own, except for my music, my cameras, my laptop and my personal knowledge that I've gathered throughout the past 18 years of my life. Do I even have a home? Barely. Everything's just falling apart and no matter what, it keeps getting worse, and I can't get do anything about it. I actually can't. Except pray. Along with a home, no matter how much anyone tries to deny it, we are living in a materialistic society and you can't avoid it. Ever. Again, I see so many people buying 'luxuries' on top of their 'essentials' and I just always wish that maybe I could ona of them too, not having to always calculate what I do and how much money needs to be used. The only exception for this when it comes to me would be my music. Music really does mean everything to me and if I were to take that away, I don't know how I'd survive. What I don't understand is even the simple idea of claiming some youth allowance. I don't understand how so many people can, yet when it comes to me, there seems to be so many complications and thus I'm cut short of what little allowance I would be receiving every fortnight to virtually nothing. I don't even get pocket money. And if you were to hit me with the comeback of 'but you're already 18', I'll simply say, I have honestly hardly ever been given pocket money since I was very young. I still remember, I was in primary school and dad decided one day that he would give us pocket money. I would get $5 a week and I would be so happy. That was around when I was in maybe year 4. But how long did that last? I don't remember very well, but possibly only a month, not long at all. Has my dad given me anything since? We had a little agreement 3 years back which would last 2 years. I was hoping, and thought that maybe, just maybe he might come to his senses and realise how old we were, so that he might even continue on with this agreement, but of course he didn't, and now everything's stopped. The money he gives me now is for university related purposes only, though sometimes if I really feel the need, I use a bit of it to buy what I want, which most of time is just music, because to me, that is an essential. I could keep going, but that's going to be all on this topic for now.

- What scares me most is my next point. Praying. Faith. I have a contradiction within myself when it comes to life, faith and God. I don't know what to believe anymore. I wasn't as positive as I used to be anymore when it comes to God, but I certainly don't want to lose my relationship with him. It says that God always has a plan for us, and that he has a reason for why he puts us through these situations, but it just seems like there's too much for me. That there's just too much on my plate, or so-called life. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the only person suffering because of this. My direct family is all experiencing varied amounts of pain as well, however I can only speak for myself, so that's what I'll do. It just seems like too much to be given to an 18 year old. I know I'm an adult and that I will have responsibilities, but so many extras on top of an average young adult's life just seems ridiculous, and even unfair. I'm not going to deny it. I do question my faith, but I don't do it in absolute spite. I do it in confusion, I do it in frustration and I do it simply because I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of having to wake up everyday knowing that the day will be absolutely unpredictable and negative, rather than positive.

- Personal relationships also seems to be one of the hardest things to fix for me. I have a different relationship with my mum, my sister, my dad and my relatives. But they're not the usual or obvious differences, they're a lot different, and my personality does contribute to it. I feel as if I have to be a different person to all of them, so I'm never really being myself to any of them. I am putting a front on, but I can't help it, I need to do it in order to feel safe. You see so many 'finding self' or 'the search for one's identity' stories, and last time I did think that they were quite unrealistic, because how can you not know who you are? But now I'm faced with the same dilemma, and have been for quite a few years. Do I really like the things I like, do I really hate the things I hate, or is it just one of my many personalities that I'm projecting to the world and everyone else? I really don't know.

- Friends. Everytime I hear, say or even read the word 'friends', I begin to cry, because it's another aspect of life in which I'm lacking in abundance of. I really hate how high school is such a large part of a person's life, whereby I've lived through those six years with no one to share them with. It just, hurts. And it's too hard and complicated to explain everything in words. You'd probably have to mind read me or crack open my memory bank and heart in order to fully understand how I'm feeling.

That's all the energy I have for now. University starts back up August 2nd. I don't know. I've been at home for the past 5+ weeks since first semester finished. Maybe I've just had too much spare time now to think, as opposed to all the work I've had to put up with for uni and the lack of time to think. I could be over-analysing everything, thinking too much, like everyone always says. Maybe I'm just complaining. Maybe this is irrelevant, insignificant. Maybe it's teen angst, adolescent anger and drama. I don't know. But these are my thoughts and they're finally written down. Well, typed down, moreso.