Five

I realise I said I would post 5 things that I'm thankful for every day, even though that hasn't happened, that doesn't mean I had nothing to be thankful for.

But today I am thankful for:
1. Seeing my friends at uni
2. Bludging during our workshop with everyone on facebook
3. Learning about really interesting artists
4. Talking to him (L)
5. My strength

five

1. work experience
2. clean teeth
3. lots of cheap cds
4. sales
5. music

thankyou.

1. no fights today whatsoever.
2. producing good photographs from the shoot last night.
3. receiving an email about possible work experience and getting a call back this morning.
4. playing with my two nieces.
5. talking to him. (L)

thankfuls

1. getting out of the house
2. seeing a free concert
3. a good dinner
4. ongoing joke about 'jet'
5. talking to him yet again (L)

5

1. church
2. new music
3. an entire night of good tv shows
4. being able to tell my dad the truth, sort of, even if it was just through emails
5. talking to him again. (L)

I am thankful for

1. Having one of the best dreams in a very, very long time.
2. Watching movies.
3. Improving in my piano playing.
4. The fact that an argument wasn't entirely blown out of scale to ridiculousness.
5. Being able to talk to him again on his birthday at night. (L)

And for my own sake, I don't remember all that much about my dream, except for the fact that I was having an incredibly bad day, walking out of a building, and as I got to the car park, Daniel was walking towards me, wearing his high school outfit and blazer, and I just went up to him and hugged him. Hugged him so tightly and I didn't ever want to let go. He didn't even have to say anything, just having him theree was amazing. That honestly made my night, and morning as I woke up. <3

What is the meaning of life?

The meaning of life is to sit down, shut up, suck up to everyone around you and do as you're told no matter how shit the order needed to be done is.

I hate the fact that all we ever do in this family is yell at each other, give everyone the silent treatment and forget that it never happened the next day, or even a few hours later.

We never try to fix the problem.
We can't ever fix the problem.
And we will all die holding endless grudges to our graves.

And teachers used to wonder why I'm so royally fucked up?
Why I wrote the creative writing pieces I did?
And why I act the way I do?

It's written in black and white.
I am on the road to insanity.

Am I suffering from depression?
Do I have a bipolar disorder?
I don't know.

All I can count on is the fact that my year adviser from high school told me that I am really strong. Really strong to be able to go through and succeed in the HSC despite everything that I went through last year.
And I just have to hope that that strength within me lasts until I'm cold and buried, or burned.

I am thankful for

1. Finishing reading Purpose for the Pain in 4 nights in about 12hours total.
2. No extreme arguments at all today.
3. Watching Black Adder.
4. Hearing Paramore's The Only Exception on radio.
5. Being able to wish Daniel happy birthday for his 18th at 12:01, July 24. (L)

I realise it's already a new day, but I am counting this as 23 June, since I haven't slept yet since the night before.

& so a bad day just got worse.

sometimes I really do wish I could drive into the country, get on top of a cliff & just scream.

But today I am thankful for:
1. being alive
2. having good music to listen to
3. having certain people to talk to
4. watching cougartown for an hour
5. being able to find and actually stay connected with Daniel, even after 6 years of no contact.

Just a large thought.

But I really need to get things off my chest.

- I've finally started reading Renee Yohe's "Purpose for the Pain", I'm more than half way through it and it really is an eye-opener about life in general. She's written about the pain, the hurt, and also redemption. She has also taken steps to slowly look positively upon life, which I have been trying to do in the first half of this year, although with the time gaps in my posts, clearly it's not going so well. Anyways, what she's been doing is pointing out at least 5 things that she's thankful for everyday, regardless of how insignificant or how big the 'thing' is. I'm definitely going to do that from today. I know I usually never carry through with what I say, but this really is something that I want, need and HAVE to do.

- So much shit has been happening lately, everything's just so confusing and even though I do know that I'm quite strong mentally, I'm not so strong physically, and I'm beginning to realise how weak I really am emotionally and spiritually. I'm lucky to have the ability to think through things logically though sometimes I do still let my emotions get the better of me and that's never a positive.

- Financial problems. That just always seems to be what everyone's talking about these days, isn't it? I read, hear and see stories of how people are moving houses, or even just having a house to live in. Not a townhouse, not an apartment, but an actual house to live in. Or even more simply put, a HOME to live in, if you strip away the materialistic view and strength of a house. Do I have a house to stay in? No. I live in a townhouse and have for my entire life. I don't have my own room, nor do I really have anything of my own, except for my music, my cameras, my laptop and my personal knowledge that I've gathered throughout the past 18 years of my life. Do I even have a home? Barely. Everything's just falling apart and no matter what, it keeps getting worse, and I can't get do anything about it. I actually can't. Except pray. Along with a home, no matter how much anyone tries to deny it, we are living in a materialistic society and you can't avoid it. Ever. Again, I see so many people buying 'luxuries' on top of their 'essentials' and I just always wish that maybe I could ona of them too, not having to always calculate what I do and how much money needs to be used. The only exception for this when it comes to me would be my music. Music really does mean everything to me and if I were to take that away, I don't know how I'd survive. What I don't understand is even the simple idea of claiming some youth allowance. I don't understand how so many people can, yet when it comes to me, there seems to be so many complications and thus I'm cut short of what little allowance I would be receiving every fortnight to virtually nothing. I don't even get pocket money. And if you were to hit me with the comeback of 'but you're already 18', I'll simply say, I have honestly hardly ever been given pocket money since I was very young. I still remember, I was in primary school and dad decided one day that he would give us pocket money. I would get $5 a week and I would be so happy. That was around when I was in maybe year 4. But how long did that last? I don't remember very well, but possibly only a month, not long at all. Has my dad given me anything since? We had a little agreement 3 years back which would last 2 years. I was hoping, and thought that maybe, just maybe he might come to his senses and realise how old we were, so that he might even continue on with this agreement, but of course he didn't, and now everything's stopped. The money he gives me now is for university related purposes only, though sometimes if I really feel the need, I use a bit of it to buy what I want, which most of time is just music, because to me, that is an essential. I could keep going, but that's going to be all on this topic for now.

- What scares me most is my next point. Praying. Faith. I have a contradiction within myself when it comes to life, faith and God. I don't know what to believe anymore. I wasn't as positive as I used to be anymore when it comes to God, but I certainly don't want to lose my relationship with him. It says that God always has a plan for us, and that he has a reason for why he puts us through these situations, but it just seems like there's too much for me. That there's just too much on my plate, or so-called life. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the only person suffering because of this. My direct family is all experiencing varied amounts of pain as well, however I can only speak for myself, so that's what I'll do. It just seems like too much to be given to an 18 year old. I know I'm an adult and that I will have responsibilities, but so many extras on top of an average young adult's life just seems ridiculous, and even unfair. I'm not going to deny it. I do question my faith, but I don't do it in absolute spite. I do it in confusion, I do it in frustration and I do it simply because I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of having to wake up everyday knowing that the day will be absolutely unpredictable and negative, rather than positive.

- Personal relationships also seems to be one of the hardest things to fix for me. I have a different relationship with my mum, my sister, my dad and my relatives. But they're not the usual or obvious differences, they're a lot different, and my personality does contribute to it. I feel as if I have to be a different person to all of them, so I'm never really being myself to any of them. I am putting a front on, but I can't help it, I need to do it in order to feel safe. You see so many 'finding self' or 'the search for one's identity' stories, and last time I did think that they were quite unrealistic, because how can you not know who you are? But now I'm faced with the same dilemma, and have been for quite a few years. Do I really like the things I like, do I really hate the things I hate, or is it just one of my many personalities that I'm projecting to the world and everyone else? I really don't know.

- Friends. Everytime I hear, say or even read the word 'friends', I begin to cry, because it's another aspect of life in which I'm lacking in abundance of. I really hate how high school is such a large part of a person's life, whereby I've lived through those six years with no one to share them with. It just, hurts. And it's too hard and complicated to explain everything in words. You'd probably have to mind read me or crack open my memory bank and heart in order to fully understand how I'm feeling.

That's all the energy I have for now. University starts back up August 2nd. I don't know. I've been at home for the past 5+ weeks since first semester finished. Maybe I've just had too much spare time now to think, as opposed to all the work I've had to put up with for uni and the lack of time to think. I could be over-analysing everything, thinking too much, like everyone always says. Maybe I'm just complaining. Maybe this is irrelevant, insignificant. Maybe it's teen angst, adolescent anger and drama. I don't know. But these are my thoughts and they're finally written down. Well, typed down, moreso.

Mother's Day & Childhood

I'm not going to lie. Despite being Mother's Day, today is a bad day. Of course, I want to be able to hope and believe that this can get better, but the reality of it all is that my family situation honestly will never get better. And I have to learn to accept that.

We can't even go out as a "family" for lunch. My sister gets mad. My dad pretends that he's "not feeling well" and therefore can't go. My sister doesn't want to go out. So in the end, we're staying at home and I'm here typing this blog up. And what's happening downstairs? My mum's cooking. She has to cook, even though it's Mother's Day. What kind of family is this? What kind of daughter am I? Our family is falling apart and I honestly can't do anything to help.

I know my mum wants to go out. I know she wants to have fun and be with family. But instead, because of her children, she pretends that everything is fine. She pretends that she wants to stay home. Says "it's no use going out with relatives to a club for dinner, because we're not going to be doing anything, and they're going to want to stay there for a long time" We've isolated ourselves from our relatives, from our family, and you can't turn back time.

What happened to the good times? What happened to our family/relative dinners at home every Sunday night? What happened to sticking together and relying on each other and helping each other out? It's all gone now and we can't do anything about it. No one can repeat the past, I know that. But wouldn't it be nice to maybe, just maybe even stage a good family gathering just one more time? Just so we could possiblyl feel a connection one last time, before everything truly goes haywire forever?

I just wish I was a child again. I wish I was young. I wish I was innocent. I wish I didn't know anything, so that everyone, all the adults around me would act as characters, pretending to play nice with each other so that I wouldn't have to know about the truth. I wouldn't have to face reality.

A friend of a friend responded to what I told him about my grandma with "she's a fighter", and all I could think of was "of course she's a fighter. That's the only way you can survive in such a messed up world" Which is why I'm only barely surviving. I want to be a fighter, but I'm just not quite there. I don't think I ever will be, and I can't change that.

People joke around about wishing there was a "rewind" button to life. But I really mean it when I say that. Rewind all the way back to when I was 10, or even younger. Maybe I could right the wrongs and grow up again, without anyone around me knowing that this is my second time growing up, and that I've known how this life plays out, and that's why I'm here to hope to change and alter it. Change this life so that this present won't be so horrible. So this present won't be so difficult to live through every waking minute.

Fighting, blocking out and giving situations a conclusion just so there's a sense of closure. Pretending that everything is okay simply because there's no other way to live.

What else can you do?

Group Assessment Tasks..

Don't you hate them?

There's always going to be a dispute against who gets to bring home the piece that they worked on.

I'm not trying to sound stuck up, or unreasonable, but even though it was done as a group, I took the photos and unlike my friends who I did this task with, I actually want to do the course that I'm doing, because I want to be a photographer. They're planning to change courses and transfer to Visual Communications.

It's only been just over 2 months at uni, and there's already disputes between uni friends. Ugh.

What do you think is fair, though?

Argh

Just a short rant about how MSN had to suddenly freeze for no apparent reason earlier tonight, and how basically now I don't have a chat log history of what I was talking to him about from about 7.30-9.30.

Two hours. TWO DAMN HOURS worth of talking is now gone & I won't be able to read back on any of it, because of a stupid glitch on msn.

Ugh.

I met Him. #10

Yesterday. Around 11:30 - 3 at the library.

Thankyou for being so close to me. :)

Today was such a bad day. My Intervention project as a group got knocked back, and even though we're hanging, etc at the gallery on Tuesday, we basically have to start from scratch now. I wouldn't have minded it, except for the fact that we already printed them out, bought the mounting material, etc all for $150 in total, which basiclaly means everyone's wasted $50 on something we're not even going to create & present.

Quite frankly, I'm too tired/exhausted/annoyed/busy to type up an explanation, so this is just copied & pasted from my facebook page:

"So this Intervention project, is it supposed to be OUR work, or theirs? Because honestly, We're just following a procedure right now, with strict rules on what we MUST do. Is this really OUR work? NB: Simplicity is NOT always the best way to go, especially when what you're trying to comment on is the COMPLEXITY of such an area which is under-going construction. FFS."

But anyways, back to the positives.

I'm now speaking to him, and have been since about 5pm and after a big rant I'm feeling slightly OK.

Thankyou. :)

Since Wednesday

I only haven't seen you since Wednesday & I feel like I'm going insane..

>.<

I met Him. #9

Bludging, Studying & Having Fun. :)

MSN chat archive #5

& it hasn't even been a year since we started talking. (L) :)

I met Him. #8

How is it possible that one single person can make me feel so happy, regardless of how much, or how little we talk to each other in person?

I love the fact that you keep trying to distract me from my work, purely for good intentions only. Those intentions, being that you don't want me to burn out, or have no rest.

:)

I met Him. #7

No matter how little, or how much we say and do, it's always fun. :)

No matter what,

..you always make me smile. :)

I met Him. #6

12.45-2.55 :)

Basically, I met him again at the library, on level 5. He was supposed to be studying for his physics exam at 5 today, but I'm pretty sure I distracted him. >.<

There wasn't enough room where he was sitting, so I just told him I'll sit 'over there', and he ended up following me, so we sat together. There was this couple a few metres in front of us, and I watched them every once in a while, they were heaps cute!

Anyways, we ended up just doing nothing! Well, more like I kept telling him to study, then distract him, then tell him to study again, etc. etc. I went to search for my own work, so I left him there to 'try to try to try' to study, which was a little success, which was good. Afterwards I gave him some more of my music, and the Jazz Jackrabbit game I love playing.

Oh yeah, first off I showed him the test strips/proof sheets of the photos I took of him yesterday. <3

Well afterwards we basically just talked and had a good time. I was basically  just a few centimetres away from him the entire time. Amazing. It was honestly just like we were back in primary school, year 6. The nudging, the leaning over, the over-reacting, the sarcasm. Everything. It was so good. I honestly wanted to lean on him, but that would just be weeeeeeird. So I didn't.

- Daniel Chantiri Churches :)

I met Him. #5

You don't know what methodical, dpi, succinct, facade and sooo many other words mean. You're clueless, confooosed, weird, lazy, retarded, an idiot, a really bad speller, forgetful and nothing gets through to you.

And yet all that just makes me like you even more.

You said we were the complete opposites of each other after we had a random talk about how you pretty much only eat raw fish, and I only eat a selected few, fully cooked fish.

The only thing that was going through my mind was: "Why Daniel, that's coz opposites attract." :)

Today was the shoot, for my 2nd photo1 assignment task, and I met him at the seats in the tower building at around noon, and we walked to Broadway, for our shoot in Utopia. He asked if I needed help carrying anything, so I let him carry my acoustic guitar. So we got to Utopia only to find that the two men I asked last week weren't there, so I had to let the person in charge know that I already had permission from the boss last week to do a shoot for a uni assignment in here, and he gave us the OK.

Basically at first, it took me a while to think of ideas and ways to shoot my task. But once we got started, everything pretty much flowed. It was reeeally fun. Pretty much just being with him that closely was amazing. I was so happy. I was over the moon! Nothing was really awkward to be honest. I mean, everyone goes on about that whole "accidentally touching their hand, etc. etc", but really, we touched a few times and it was perfectly fine. Nothing awkward, just fun.

By the time the shoot was supposedly finished, I went to take out the film, only to realise that I was a complete idiot and had forgotten to wind the film first before opening it. So I quickly closed it up again and started winding, but it wasn't working, and I completely ruined the entire roll of film!

So of course, I had to re-shoot my entire task again, only twice as fast, since I didn't want to push the patience of the workers in Utopia. Just before we started again though, supposedly another boss came up to ask, saying "um, can I help you kids with anything?" and so of course, I told him what I told the other man, that I asked permission from the boss on Thursday if I could shoot in here for an assignment, and he said okay. Only, the man ended up replying with "Well that's funny, because I'm the boss.." Obviously, I panicked, and ended up telling him that well, I let an asian man know, along with another man who said he was the boss- slightly shorter, with shortish, grey hair, and thankfully, he let us continue.

Honestly, I was so worried, but during the whole thing, he just stayed calm, and even though everything was going so wrong, he made it feel like everything was just so right. So anyways, we went straight back to shooting for my task. I couldn't stop smiling on the inside, while I was taking photos of him. It was incredible. After we finished, I went to wind the film, this time remebering not to open it up before I was done. But yet again, everything went wrong, and I couldn't wind it back. I panicked, again, but decided to go to this camera shop in the city, hoping that they'd be able to fix the problem.

And so we ended up walking allllllll the way up to Museum Station, and even further, only to have the shopkeeper tell me that I'd forgotten to press the wind button at the bottom of the camera first! Ugh, I felt so stupid. But regardless, the long walk up there was fun. Painful because of everything I was carrying, but pretty damn good too, because he was there with me, perfectly calm.

After that, we probably had around 80 minutes left, so we walked to the bus stop and waited until the 555 free shuttle bus came, so we could head back to UTS. Everytime he looked to the side, I'd quickly look at him, just because I could. <3

By the time we got back, it was about 3.25, so we just sat down near building 2 where his next class was. I attempted to teach him some guitar, but he was too scared and didn't want to, so I ended up playing a little bit to him, and gave him a few tips on music in general. There were so many people watching, it was funny, haha.

I could go on, but I'll round it off soon. 

Pretty much everytime we talked, and everything I looked at him, his eyes, his hair, listened to his voice, I just wanted to smile and give him a big hug. 

Sure, being with him today made me more confident and daring, but I was still a bit shy when it came to anything non-surfaced. So I just stuck with the casual conversations and friendly goodbyes, so I wouldn't look too eager.

When mum picked me up, she kept asking questions about my 'friend' and whether or not they've got a tripod yet, etc. and I answered with no, because they don't do Photography. Then the questions kept coming. What's their name? Oh, it's a boy? How did you meet him? He's from Primary? How did you find him after primary? What course does he do? Muuuuuum, too many questions! >.<

But yeah, afterwards mum ended up saying 'oh, so you like him? he can be your boyfriend', etc. Of course, I replied with 'no mum' but secretly I was smiling.

Yep. So that's basically it for today. It was by far one of the best days I've had in years, literally. A friend of mine, Rob, told me earlier on this year, that 2010 was going to be 'our year', and that statement is slowly, well, faster than I thought it would, coming true.

Daniel Churches. (L)

:)

I met Him. #4

12:50ish, Level 5 at the library.

He gave me a CD with all, or most of his music on it.

& he's letting me shoot him for my next photography assignment.

<333

Definitely updating this post when I get time!

UPDATE:

That day was honestly amazing. Sure, the morning of was as chaotic as you could imagine, considering I was re-printing damaged photos for my photo1/film photography class, and I was basically running against time. But once the printing and photo class was over, I was so relieved because I'd handed in my second 20% assignment already, and I was off to the library.

At first I thought I was heading for two and a half hours of being by myself attempting to work on my history assignment, since I already circled the entire 5th floor and couldn't find him. But then I signed into ebuddy and turns out he was on level 4, because level 5 said 'silence' so he wasn't sure if he should go there or not. Haha aww. Well afterwards, he came upstairs and everything was great, once again. I mean sure, I didn't end up doing much work, but hey, I did borrow my first ever uni book, and I did write down a definition for my word, 'Diorama', so that's a start.

Basically what we ended up doing was bludging together, playing tetris, looking up music merch and I looked up plane tickets for my trip to melbourne for my course. But before that, I just casually talked about how I've already got another assignment to do for photo1 even though I just handed in my first task for that class, and asked if he wanted to be my 'model' for my next assignment, and almost immediately, he said yes. Obviously, I was over the moon, but I didn't want to look/sound too excited, so I calmly said 'alright, that's cool, thanks' and we moved on.

Afterwards while we were looking through sales on the fist2face website, I came across a CD that was slashed from $22 to $7, and then he went and said 'that actually is really cheap. speaking of which..' and he went to his bag and started searching for the CD he told me that he burnt for me last night with all/most of his songs on it. I knew what it was, but I didn't know what to do, so I just kept looking through the sales. Quite honestly, he is so sweet. I can't believe he took time out the night before just to compile a CD's worth of music for me. I've since gone through some of the folders, and unfortunately a lot of the files don't seem to be working/are m4vs, but that doesn't really matter, because it's the thought really does count a lot more than the actual gift. That's how I'll always see it. <3

Anyways, later on that night I asked him whether he was serious about helping me out with my assignment, and again he said sure, if it'll make it easier for me, he'll do it. Which just made my night that much better.

So now apart from attempting to do my history assignment, I'm also anxious/nervous/excited about this Tuesday, because I'll be with him for at least 2.5 hrs, if not more, depending on whether I'll have to start my collaboration with the Interior Design students at 2.30 or not. Either way, I'm hoping it'll be great, fun, random and relaxing! I'm shooting him (haha aww) in Utopia, and possibly at a park or in a dead end alley way or something, to get my assignment done well. I'm bringing my DSLR as well as the film SLR, just so maybe I'll be able to get some extra photos in so I can keep for myself. :) <3

Daniel! I can't believe you've made me so happy, even though I've only met you 4 times since primary school. You're amazing :)

Assignments, assessments, tasks, whatever you want to call them.

So basically a looooot has happened ever since uni started. It's actually quite hard to believe that I've done so much work in the past four weeks, because if this was high school, I'd probably only have written one page of notes, if any at all.

Photography 1: Film Photography. Assignment #1 - 20%

Exploring the use of apertures and shutter speeds on film SLRs. We learnt how to wash, develop and print our negatives. It sounds simple, but the process is pretty tedious and really technical. I actually messed up my first roll of film as well as a stack of my photo paper, because I exposed it to light directly. But hey, I guess that's how you learn.

Photographic Intervention: Light & Space Triptych. Assignment #1 - 20%

Explore how light is used to intervene to create space. What we had to do was explore the area of the city and create a triptych which best communicates the idea of light & space. Because they specified the city, all I could really think of was buildings, so I focussed purely on taking photos of buildings and how light & space is achieved within such images.

And well here we are, four weeks into uni life and I've already finished to assignments. The photography intervention assignment was due today, and to top things off, they brought in critics to critique our work, after we gave a mini presentation. I'd been stressing about it ever since we received the task 2 weeks ago, and by the time it was over, I stumbled, paused midway and completely messed up, but hey, it's the first task, I was sick, and it's the first time I've ever had to critique my own work. So it's okay. For now.

My photography 1 assignment is actually due next Wednesday, but because all our 7 prints had to be printed with the exact same settings, height, etc. except for the filters, I finished everything last Wednesday, so all that's left is to crop out the clumsy white borders which I can easily do on Wednesday.

I honestly would never have thought I'd be able to achieve so much in less than a month, especially considering that I haven't done much work at home still. Haha.

But this relaly is just the beginning, and I've already got 3 lovely assignments to look forward to:

Photography History & Theory: We're creating a mini photography dictionary full of terms and photographers, so everyone has been allocated a single word to write a 400-500 word essay on it. My word - Diorama.

Photography 1: We're exploring the use of exposures, dealing with both long and short exposures, where we need to capture our partner in an activity they love, or their cultural background.

Photographic Intervention: We're collaborating with the Interior Design students which will end with a gallery exhibition of our works in week 9.

Anyways, that's about it for now.

It's too hot to think & I just want to relax after such a crazy day today.

I met him #3

Yesterday. 1.40-3pm
We played tetris & I smashed his score.
Then we played pocket tanks & I pretty much suicided.

It's the little things that really count. :)

I met Him. #2

Sweetest. Boy. Ever. :)

Life is amazing, right about now.

I've been happy ever since Wednesday, and I can't believe this high is still happening after 3 days. I love this feeling, I really do, and it doesn't even matter if I've got a stack of work to do, I'm happy now and it's amazing. Sure, it might not last, but it sure as hell helps as a much needed break from all the tension and stress for the past year.

Isn't it funny how I'm more happy about the little things in life, rather than the bigger picture?

I might be going insane, but I looove this feeling (L)

I met him.

I met him today, March 10, 2010 at around 1.30pm at the UTS library.

It was actually probably the furthest thing from awkward. We basically just talked until 2.55 when he had to leave for a lecture and I had to make my way back to the tower building to head home. Sure, there were strange silences here and there, but overall it was just natural, casual and relaxed.

I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Yet he had to top it off by giving me a JB Hi-Fi gift voucher for my birthday last week.

I couldn't stop smiling, I was, and still am over the moon, because the thought was what truly mattered and I absolutely loved it.

:) Thankyou, Daniel. <3

Life & Uni

Uni's been good. Apart from the work and the thousands of dollars we have to spend on cameras and material, it's been good. I made another friend on Thursday, Fiona. So now we've got a little asian group happening. Niice.

Life.

Well, it's been sort of mixed really. Home life is terrible. This problem just keeps building up, it's been like this for the past year already, and I highly doubt it's going to stop anytime soon. Quite honestly, I don't think I'll survive the 3 or 4 years of uni if this continues, so I don't know. I've just got this feeling of fear, paranoia and doubt 24-7. I can't say what I think, I can't do what I need to, and I don't know how to handle any of it. I'm literally hearing voices and I'm shaking, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't tell anyone the whole truth, because that hurts too much and that means added stress for everybody. Last night was just horrible. I finally spoke out a little, and what I get in return is "oh yeah, go side with him, you hate me. everyone hates me." I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just sit there and pretend everything's just perfect and wonderful? I've done that for the past year, finding others I can speak to instead of letting my family know. It's been too long, how much longer can I put up with this?

Going onto the positive side of life though, I couldn't be more happier, finding and making the friends that I have now at uni. Sure, it's been just four days together, but we've all really just clicked. It's great. almost as if spending the past six years of highschool alone, or almost alone was worth the pain. I mean, I can actually be myself now, in a large, non-threatening environment, and it's amazing.  I really don't think anyone will ever realise how appreciative I am of this. I'll never be able to explain it. But I think, in a way, that's a positive too.

Also, going back to him, Daniel. He just honestly knows what to say. Last night was absolute crap, I come online, we talked about it for a little while, and he was just there to help distract me from everything. It was great. I mean yeah, I got a lot of things out, but afterwards it wasn't anything awkward at all, the conversation just flowed on and he helped me block out everything bad that was happening, and at first I didn't think it would work, but it did, he told me it would, and he carried it out and helped me. Even though I didn't believe him completely. He did it, and that's what counts.

That's about all I can manage to get out for now. Uni really is such a de-energiser. Don't get me wrong, it's great, it's just. Tiring. And confusing.

Call me naive, call me stubborn, call me ignorant..

But all I want for my birthday tomorrow is a stress-free, or at least a low-stress filled day, in which there won't be any arguments or fights at home.

The first day.

Ok, well this post isn't really going to have much of a structure or anything like that. I'm awake and I've only slept for 5hours..

Anyways, I basically had my first ever uni lecture yesterday at noon, which really isn't even a timetabled class, but one which our lecturer said we should go to weekly. Design Thinking. Overall it must have taken me about an hour to get there, so 45mins to drive, then 15mins to walk. I honestly thought the day was going to be terrible, despite feeling excited, anxious and nervous at the same time. It didn't exactly help that my lecture was in the science building either. Well eventually I got there, around 30mins beforehand, so I went to the bathroom first, then stood around infront just waiting for the class. I ended up meeting 3 girls for the 20mins beforehand, and another girl briefly while the previous class was leaving. Hoping that I remember their names, I think they were.. Anna, Lorraine, Michelle and Cinti? There's a few different courses that need to take this class, so none of them are actually in my course, but hey, meeting new people is always a plus.

So after the 20mins, we all huddled into the lecture hall, and sat through an hour of introductions, and knowing that I didn't have to attend their tutorials or even do their assignments made it awesome. After attending that lecture, it seemed as if the uni lectures weren't going to be so bad afterall, but this is really why they tell you not to jump to conclusions.

After that, I apparently had a lecture in building CM05B, so I walked all the way down to the Haymarkets in the pouring rain (just like in the morning) to the library, didn't realise it was the wrong building (CM05A), so I just went up and down the lifts trying to find my class but instead finding rooms for medicine. I wasn't too worried though, because by the time I arrived there, it was probably only 1.10, and my class was at 4. I was actually going to find Daniel at the library, so I walked around for a bit, then sort of gave up and sat at a computer to check my unimail. Turns out, there's been a permanent room change for my first official lecture! Oh yeah, before that, I asked the enquiry desk where my class was, and because of the building, they asked "are you doing law or business?" & I just replied with "um, I'm doing Photography.." which just made me feel completely out of place. I ended up walking further down to find my building, and yes, it was in the law building, which just freaked me out completely! I must've walked up those 3 levels 3 times, trying to look for my classroom, then I finally found it, so I walked back to the library. And yeah, after that I checked my mail and found the room change. Anyways, I didn't have anything to do, so I sat around at the library for about 20 mins, until it was 2PM, watching people go in & out, and then someone with a backpack leaves the library, and I'm almost certain it was Daniel, but I had no clue, so I didn't dare go up to him then. Shortly after, I left and trekked back to building 4 where my 12-1 class was held, only going upstairs this time, again, in the pouring rain.

Once I got there, it was obviously still early, so I ended up just sitting down outside my class for the next hour and 45, listening to my music. By the time it was say, 3.50, everyone started arriving and I found the girl I met from orientation day on Friday, Jane, so I walked over to her and she was with 2 other guys so I introduced myself. Andy and Berty, I'm pretty sure their names were. And a little bit afterwards, we sort of 'recruited' another person into the newly formed group, and his name was Leonard- one of the tallest Asians I've ever seen! And well yeah, then we entered the class and the lecture started. I taped the entire lecture, because that's what my sister said I should do, in case I miss anything during the talk. Luckily I did, too, because turns out, there's going to be construction happening right outside our class for the next 6 months, and if we're here again in the future, for the next 3 years! That was actually really annoying, and after listening to a bit of my lecture on playback, the drilling just left me with a headache, but I need to get through it, because there's so much I missed. It didn't exactly help that we were up the very back, either. At the end, we left the class, and all 6 of us were like "did you understand anything during that lecture?" & it was all just a "umm, I remember something about Herschel and Wedgewood, but not much.." Then Jane was like "argh, my head hurts from the construction and I didn't understand a thing. It was just like. OK, I'm deaf, and I really can't see a thing" Which was exactly what I was thinking. Typical asian style! Well, at least with the blindness..

Anyways, after that our entire class walked to the tutorial classroom, which was in the next building, BUT was on the highest floor: Level 7! A lot of people were taking the lift, so we decided to climb the stairs all the way, which was terrible, but hey, at least it's some exercise. The tutorial went from 5-7, wherein they simply explained what we should do, essay-wise, and how plagiarism is "probably the worst thing you can do in academia. probably even worse than doing speed in the toilets"! Well, they also talked about how even if we don't understand things, we're better off quoting extensively and explaining what we think the quote means, rather than plagiarising, because we'll almost definitely receive an instand fail.

Afterwards, we broke up for 15mins so we could meet the other people in our class, and we met a girl called Diana, who had a gap year and was only starting this year. It was pretty cool, because she seemed to know a lot about photography already, and she spent 7months in Europe. Well later on we got back together as a class and was given homework, already!

Find a reading of a Primary Source, a text procedure or a published photograph from the early 19th century (1720-1850) 

It's a bit scary, since they added at the end the fact that we'll have to discuss our source to some others during class next week. I think I might actually go to the library tomorrow to look for something after my workshop. I have no idea if I'm allowed to just photocopy the page, or not? I'll figure that out later. So anyways, even after that homework, we were told that we'll be emailed some more work, which I think is a reading from a book, which will apparently take "a few good hours to read and understand", which isn't a good thing, considering that would probably mean a full day for me.

And after that, we basically had an 'early mark' at 6.45, and I left and waited for my sister & mum to pick me up, again, in the pouring rain. I ended up arriving home at 7.50, tired, drenched and starving!

And guess what? I'll definitely be feeling like that every Monday, for the next few months. =/

One week until uni + Daniel

To be honest, I'm sort of indifferent to the whole 'starting uni' thing. I mean, a few months ago I was so excited, and obviously nervous to start uni, though mainly excited. But the thing is, sure, I was excited to be finally studying what I enjoy, though the main reason I was so excited was that after all these months of staying at home, I would finally be able to have another hideaway, another place to escape to from all the family arguements and disputes, just the way school was for me for the past 6 years.

So I guess, in these past for days and  in an attempt to look at things more positively, I'll be looking forward to studying at university for two main reasons:

1. I will be able to improve of my skills doing what I love

2. I will be able to meet new people and hopefully, make some friends.

Sure, I know #2 is not going to be easy, and I've failed so many times before for so many different reasons, but this time I will try even harder to socialise and find those people who I just "click" with.

Another thing would be orientation day this Friday. And about the boy I like. Well, the boy I've liked ever since year 6, moreso. He'll be there, and last time I asked, he didn't know anyone doing his course/going to his uni, so hopefully I'll have the confidence to meet up with him, or even just find him there on the day? I don't know. Half of me wants to just take a leap and do something completely different to what I'd usually do, while the other half just wants me to wait a little longer, out of fear and insecurity. I mean honestly, who would like someone who's short, shy, not good-looking and overweight, when they can find someone of average-height, fun, pretty & normal-weight? I don't know. My insecurities always get the better of me.

But then I think about it more, and well back in yr 6, I was basically the same person, and we seemed to have connected in a friendship/childish 'i like you/you like me, but we don't want to admit it' sort of way, so that gives me a little confidence in meeting him.

I don't know, maybe I'm being too unrealistic here, in the sense that he might still feel the same way about me like I do about him 6 years ago (that is, if he did like me then), seeing as it's been so long and times have changed. They say you "can't repeat the past", and deep down I know that, but the innoncence and desperation of my mind makes me want to believe that you can. And to that saying, I'm subconciously replying with "can't repeat the past? of course you can", just like Jay Gatsby replied to Nick Carraway about repeating a past life with Daisy, after loving her for so many years and not seeing her again until now.

Sure, you can't repeat the past word for word, action for action. But who knows? Maybe we will be able to pick up where we left off, or even just start out fresh, from August 2009 where we first starting speaking to each other again- basically every other day when we're both online, by meeting up at uni and starting off from there.

I shouldn't be afraid, but I am.

I shouldn't be insecure, but I am.

I shouldn't be over-thinking things, but I am.

Does he even like me back? I don't know.

Honestly, this is one of those things which I just can't describe. At all. I mean sure, there's still those 'awkward silences' which you get whilst talking online, and the sense of annonymity and security behind the computer screen. But the thing is, if I'm already over the moon and head over heels whenever I speak to him online, who knows what will happen in real life? Will I get carried away and just end up scaring him? I don't know. I just- it just feels so right. Sure, I'm not even eighteen yet, never dated or anything, and I probably don't know the true meaning of it, but maybe, just maybe, I actually do love him? Maybe this is the sort of reasonable 'fairytale' that might come true? Who knows. All I know, is that he makes me feel happy, he makes me let my guard down, we can tell lame jokes to each other and talk about the most random things, yet just as long as we're talking, I'm happy. I could be going through the worst of times, yet once he signs in, I can talk to him about it, he'll listen, and he'll quite simply brighten up my day no matter what.

Maybe I am being completely unrealistic and fatasising about the impossible. But at least now I have some sort of goal for me. Some sort of drive to keep me going. Plus, I guess you really will never know unless you give it a shot.

White riot, I wanna riot, white riot..

a riot of my own !

So I haven't been updating in the past few days, which I guess is a positive, but also a negative at the same time. Positive: I've been busy with my life, and not living too much of a monotonous life. Negative: My mind's been completely blank, thought-wise, and I haven't seem to be able to get my thoughts out in the open. Whichever one it is, it doesn't matter, because I'm updating now and I've got a positive light shining through right now. Even if it is something very minor.

It's Saturday morning right now and I'm downstairs by myself, listening to The Clash on shuffle repeat, just like I was last night. Yesterday was my school's DUX assembly, followed by morning tea, but I didn't go. Why? Because school just brings back too many bad memories, too many memories of how 'non-existent' I was throughout those six-years. I mean, why should I go to a function which wouldn't even realise if I was there or not? Or why should I go to a function where my so called 'classmates' would see me and pretend as if they're happy to see me, despite the fact that they've hardly ever spoken to me in the past six years, or for some, not even looked towards me at a glance or let out a 'Hi' during those many long walks down the corridors in the early mornings and late afternoons.

Basically, another reason why I chose not to attend is that I just know there will be a lot of:

SGHS Girl: 'Hi Gwen! How are you?

Me: 'I'm alright'

SGHS Girl: 'That's good. How did you go in the HSC? What did you get?'

Me: 'I did okay, I got 96.7, what about you?'

SGHS Girl: 'Oh, that's really good! I got 98+. What are you planning on doing at uni?'

Me: 'Um, Photography at UTS'

SGHS Girl: 'Photography? Wow, that's really creative! etc. etc. etc.'

Which pretty much means that there'll be a whole lot of 'acting to care' personalities, which I honestly can't cope with right now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone at my school is like that, because there definitely is a select few who are genuine about their conversations.

Which leads me to the main intention of my writing this blog entry. I hadn't been listening to The Clash since probably just before the HSC, and last night I just had an urge to listen to them again after so many months. You're probably wondering why The Clash relates to school, right? Well, it's because in Yr 11, we had to do an essay on a personality of our own choosing for Modern History, and how they impacted society. Well, I chose The Clash's Joe Strummer and my teacher happened to be a big fan of The Clash, so he was 'really excited to see what [I] would come up with' as he told my mum during a parent/teacher interview night. And pretty much from then on, he'd relate everything I did or what we did in class to The Clash or how 'I like the hard hitting [music]' rather than something soft and delicate. I mean sure, he was generalising my taste in music to just one genre, but hey, how often do you hear of teachers liking great music and actually expressing it in class? Hell, I even had a conversation with him about what the real meaning of punk rock is, so that was interesting, considering it was infront of the rest of the class.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, is that in my so-called 'quest' to see things positively, or at least accept why certain things happen, my six years of high-school wasn't such a big waste, even if it was for something as little as finding common ground with my history teacher through music.

I never realised how much I actually really enjoy The Clash, so I can say that last night was it. It was my breakthrough, music-wise. I mean sure, I may not have all their albums, but it's a 'I don't have all their albums yet' And relating this back to my Yr 11 history essay, 'Because of what has happened to me, I can strongly state that Joe Strummer has made a major contribution towards my  life, and has impacted me greatly.'

I have so much more thoughts to get out, but I'll leave that for another day. Right now, I'm just re-visiting the past, positively.

Scrabble, Every Word Counts !

Nothing too interesting today.

So yesterday I mentioned that I pulled an all nighter. Well, because my sister was telling me to sleep, and because I was completely out of it, I decided to end it and went to bed at 1am, so that's 38hrs of internet madness. Ie. no sleep. Anyways, it ended with me waking up at almost 1pm this morning. Well technically, it was yesterday morning since it's 12:50am now, but that doesn't matter.

But enough about that.

Like I said, I didn't do much, but I played Scrabble with my sister today. We used a newly bought set, brought from Malaysia. It's not really new though, it's the original scrabble version, only the board has to be joined together with 2 rectangular puzzle shaped pieces made out of cardboard, and the tiles are like the ones in Up Words, so sort of block-ish, so you can stack them and make, wait for it, SCRABBLE TOWERS! :D Oh, and the scrabble bag is made of mauve-coloured felt. Yeah, awesome stuff. We actually thought it was a really bad game, considering we hadn't played for months, only to end it with a total of 600+pts.

Anyways, there's not much else to say, except for the fact that I honestly think Scrabble is one of the best board games ever created, and I want to collect every type possible, and right now I've got 3. So.. I've definitely got a long way to go.

Mine: 

Wishlist:

And this is pretty much my dream keyboard :)

Goodnight !

Baby, I'm addicted, I'm out of control..

but you're the drug that keeps me from dying.

Well, today's been pretty good actually. I pulled an all nighter, deciding that I would watch the entire rage for once in my life, only to search up the program online and find out that I hardly liked/knew any of the songs. By that time though, it was already around 4.30, so I thought I may as well stay up to watch the sun rise. But since it was pouring heavy rain during the night, I went out back and all I saw was very faint rays of sunlight behind all those dark, grey clouds. Damn. Oh well, I'm not too upset about it.

On the plus side though, I watched Video Hits from 8.30 through to noon for their "top singles of the noughties", which was such a great nostalgic moment. The best video played has got to be Enrique Iglesias' "Hero". Though I have to admit, I prefer the Spanish version "Heroe" a lot more. A lot more. My sister woke up at half past noon, so we watched the few videos I taped, and afterwards we ended up having a mini Enrique music fest. It was from his 2008 Greatest Hits album, with the videos:

• Bailamos
• Rhythm Divine
• Hero
• Escape
• Love To See You Cry
• Addicted
• Do You Know?
• Tired Of Being Sorry
• Can You Hear Me?
• Tired Of Being Sorry (Live) 
• Be With You (Live)

Love love love love loved every minute of it. Though yet again, I have to say that the Spanish version of 'Hero', 'Escape', 'Addicted' and 'Do You Know?' is far better than their English counterparts.

I honestly think 'Addicted' has beaten 'Hero' as my favourite Enrique song which has been made into a music video. It is amazing, and everyone should watch/listen to it. Especially the Spanish version!

Anyways, this journal's title is taken from the chorus of 'Addicted', which, yes, I'm absolutely addicted to. Also, my sister told me a while ago that 'Iglesias' in english meant 'Churches', which honestly just makes me like Enrique even more. And the boy' that I like's last name just happens to be 'Churches', so that's just a double plus for me.

Daniel Iglesias. Daniel Churches. He is possibly the sweetest boy ever. He's not afraid to express how he feels about problems, he listens, and hey, he's got great music taste. [: And to think we never talked/noticed each other in primary school until Year 6. So many memories, I could go on forever. But what I love the most was when his friend said "Hey, you guys like each other, don't you?" one day during class, and obviously, we immediately spat back a "No way!" at the same time. I should have found him again earlier on, but I finally had the guts to add him on Facebook (how Gen Y of me) in August last year, and all things amazing just started from there. I have no idea if he likes me, or if he even knows that I like him, but in September he asked me to his Yr 12 school formal, so that must mean something, right? Even if it's just a 'as a friend' gesture, it's still something. And know I'll just always feels like a proper idiot for turning him down, especially since I replied with a "Um, I don't really do formals.." ugh, how stupid could I have been??! Anyways. It's in the past, I'll leave it there. We've kept in touch all through the holidays, even when I was overseas, which just makes my feelings grow even more. He's going to UTS this March too, so I'm really hoping we'll be able to meet up sometime, even if it's just for an hour or so. But since I always let my insecurities get the best of me, I'm reluctant to meet up with him, even if we get the chance, because he hasn't seen me for six years, and I'm not exactly in the best of shape, or decent looking.. I don't know.

Wow, all this soppy stuff is getting me a bit weird, so I'm going to stop.

On a completely different topic, these are quite possibly one of the coolest looking pair of converse chuck taylors I've ever seen. Not to mention it's The Clash. I can't believe I was so stupid as to look for them in Malaysia first, hoping to buy it for less over there, because Malaysia has all the old stock and since we're living in a little village, I can't expect much. So we went back to Singapore, but only had 2 days before our flight back to Australia, and being forgetful, I completely forgot about buying those shoes and therefore I couldn't get them while I was there. Ah well. I hope my mum can find them in Singapore before she flies back here, which is in about 20 days. Ahh, The Clash. Joe Strummer, Mick Jones, Paul Simonon, Topper Headon, Terry Chimes and every other contributor to the amazing 70s band. Who doesn't love The good 'ol Clash?

A New Chapter

So I have decided to create a blogger, which marks the beginning of my online journal life.

Sure, MySpace and Facebook are all well and good, but I don't really have much privacy or anonymity over there, and the thought of people who I know well in real life being able to lurk my profile and see what I'm writing and thinking about to other people is just too much stress for me to handle.

And that's where this online journal kicks in. I need a place where I can let myself go and not be afraid of judgement, not be afraid of rejection, and not be afraid of being yelled at or made fun of. Being able to have a place for me, and only me. To start off the new year with a new life, with a new perspective. Yes, it does seem late to be saying a 'new year', though I have only recently come back home from a long holiday during my break, and I've been thinking about creating an online journal for months, years even, and at this point in time, it just feels "right".

Basically, what I'm hoping to accomplish in the next couple of days is to let my true thoughts, questions and feelings come out. I want to be able to get things out in the open and to lift that rotten old burden off my back which I've been carrying around literally for years. And occasionally, the odd, completely unrelated post here and there.

I want to start out fresh. I want to stop thinking negatively and start thinking positively. I want to be able to feel happiness. To not feel alone. I need to learn to love myself, no matter how difficult it is, or how hard it will get.

My personal quote for the past two or so years has been:

"Looking at the dark side of things/life isn't being pessimistic. It's being realistic."

What I am hoping to do is to change that quote which I have been living by, or more importantly, see it in a different light and approach it with the attitude of "Life is hard, but I can get through it." rather than denying my negativity by arming myself with a mask that says "I'm a realist", because I know that I have a lot more things to learn, and a lot more to understand and accept as reality.

If anyone does happen to read this, feel free to comment, so I know if anyone is here or not.
 
Well, this is it.

Let's see where this online journal takes me..