Life & Uni

Uni's been good. Apart from the work and the thousands of dollars we have to spend on cameras and material, it's been good. I made another friend on Thursday, Fiona. So now we've got a little asian group happening. Niice.

Life.

Well, it's been sort of mixed really. Home life is terrible. This problem just keeps building up, it's been like this for the past year already, and I highly doubt it's going to stop anytime soon. Quite honestly, I don't think I'll survive the 3 or 4 years of uni if this continues, so I don't know. I've just got this feeling of fear, paranoia and doubt 24-7. I can't say what I think, I can't do what I need to, and I don't know how to handle any of it. I'm literally hearing voices and I'm shaking, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't tell anyone the whole truth, because that hurts too much and that means added stress for everybody. Last night was just horrible. I finally spoke out a little, and what I get in return is "oh yeah, go side with him, you hate me. everyone hates me." I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just sit there and pretend everything's just perfect and wonderful? I've done that for the past year, finding others I can speak to instead of letting my family know. It's been too long, how much longer can I put up with this?

Going onto the positive side of life though, I couldn't be more happier, finding and making the friends that I have now at uni. Sure, it's been just four days together, but we've all really just clicked. It's great. almost as if spending the past six years of highschool alone, or almost alone was worth the pain. I mean, I can actually be myself now, in a large, non-threatening environment, and it's amazing.  I really don't think anyone will ever realise how appreciative I am of this. I'll never be able to explain it. But I think, in a way, that's a positive too.

Also, going back to him, Daniel. He just honestly knows what to say. Last night was absolute crap, I come online, we talked about it for a little while, and he was just there to help distract me from everything. It was great. I mean yeah, I got a lot of things out, but afterwards it wasn't anything awkward at all, the conversation just flowed on and he helped me block out everything bad that was happening, and at first I didn't think it would work, but it did, he told me it would, and he carried it out and helped me. Even though I didn't believe him completely. He did it, and that's what counts.

That's about all I can manage to get out for now. Uni really is such a de-energiser. Don't get me wrong, it's great, it's just. Tiring. And confusing.

One week until uni + Daniel

To be honest, I'm sort of indifferent to the whole 'starting uni' thing. I mean, a few months ago I was so excited, and obviously nervous to start uni, though mainly excited. But the thing is, sure, I was excited to be finally studying what I enjoy, though the main reason I was so excited was that after all these months of staying at home, I would finally be able to have another hideaway, another place to escape to from all the family arguements and disputes, just the way school was for me for the past 6 years.

So I guess, in these past for days and  in an attempt to look at things more positively, I'll be looking forward to studying at university for two main reasons:

1. I will be able to improve of my skills doing what I love

2. I will be able to meet new people and hopefully, make some friends.

Sure, I know #2 is not going to be easy, and I've failed so many times before for so many different reasons, but this time I will try even harder to socialise and find those people who I just "click" with.

Another thing would be orientation day this Friday. And about the boy I like. Well, the boy I've liked ever since year 6, moreso. He'll be there, and last time I asked, he didn't know anyone doing his course/going to his uni, so hopefully I'll have the confidence to meet up with him, or even just find him there on the day? I don't know. Half of me wants to just take a leap and do something completely different to what I'd usually do, while the other half just wants me to wait a little longer, out of fear and insecurity. I mean honestly, who would like someone who's short, shy, not good-looking and overweight, when they can find someone of average-height, fun, pretty & normal-weight? I don't know. My insecurities always get the better of me.

But then I think about it more, and well back in yr 6, I was basically the same person, and we seemed to have connected in a friendship/childish 'i like you/you like me, but we don't want to admit it' sort of way, so that gives me a little confidence in meeting him.

I don't know, maybe I'm being too unrealistic here, in the sense that he might still feel the same way about me like I do about him 6 years ago (that is, if he did like me then), seeing as it's been so long and times have changed. They say you "can't repeat the past", and deep down I know that, but the innoncence and desperation of my mind makes me want to believe that you can. And to that saying, I'm subconciously replying with "can't repeat the past? of course you can", just like Jay Gatsby replied to Nick Carraway about repeating a past life with Daisy, after loving her for so many years and not seeing her again until now.

Sure, you can't repeat the past word for word, action for action. But who knows? Maybe we will be able to pick up where we left off, or even just start out fresh, from August 2009 where we first starting speaking to each other again- basically every other day when we're both online, by meeting up at uni and starting off from there.

I shouldn't be afraid, but I am.

I shouldn't be insecure, but I am.

I shouldn't be over-thinking things, but I am.

Does he even like me back? I don't know.

Honestly, this is one of those things which I just can't describe. At all. I mean sure, there's still those 'awkward silences' which you get whilst talking online, and the sense of annonymity and security behind the computer screen. But the thing is, if I'm already over the moon and head over heels whenever I speak to him online, who knows what will happen in real life? Will I get carried away and just end up scaring him? I don't know. I just- it just feels so right. Sure, I'm not even eighteen yet, never dated or anything, and I probably don't know the true meaning of it, but maybe, just maybe, I actually do love him? Maybe this is the sort of reasonable 'fairytale' that might come true? Who knows. All I know, is that he makes me feel happy, he makes me let my guard down, we can tell lame jokes to each other and talk about the most random things, yet just as long as we're talking, I'm happy. I could be going through the worst of times, yet once he signs in, I can talk to him about it, he'll listen, and he'll quite simply brighten up my day no matter what.

Maybe I am being completely unrealistic and fatasising about the impossible. But at least now I have some sort of goal for me. Some sort of drive to keep me going. Plus, I guess you really will never know unless you give it a shot.